Asked by: GS,

Answer: It sounds like you might be having sex with him, so if you're questioning whether that's a good idea, one way to find out how sincere he is would be to stop. You don't want to use sex as a way to get something from him, but the risks that you are exposing yourself to and your concern about his motives suggest that putting sex off might be a good plan. It can be hard to stop having sex once you've started, but it's definitely possible if you think about your reasons ahead of time and are prepared to slow things down if you feel pressure from him or from within yourself. If he really cares about you he'll stick around. If not, you're probably better off without him.

Asked by: A.M., Hyde Park, Massachusetts

Answer: [From Rebecca's colleague] Thank you for writing. After reading your email, I guess I'm a little concerned that you're worried this boy might leave you after you have had sex. It sounds like you are unsure about the way he feels about you and think that he might only be interested in what he can do with you physically. Most relationships at your age do not end up being lifelong, so it is best to focus less on the physical stuff and more on having fun and getting to know the other person. Most girls who have sex at your age, wish later that they hadn't, and I don't want you to have any regrets. I had sex for the first time when I was just a little bit older than you, and I wish I had waited. I'm not sure if you know this, but sex at your age is also against the law and if your boyfriend is 16 or older, he could be charged with rape if you two have sex. My advice to you would be to wait on sex and protect yourself from the risks that might come with it...risks like an unplanned pregnancy, a sexually transmitted disease, or a broken heart.

Asked by: hj,

Answer: What a great question! There are plenty of ways to show affection without sexual activity. A lot of times we show affection physically because it's the only way we know how, but non-physical ways to show affection are often times even more meaningful. You could write a love note, give a gift, plan a fun date, make your sweetie's favorite meal, make a card, make them a cd with their favorite songs on it, help them out when they need it, or tell them how you feel. The list could go on and on!

Asked by: VL, Lowell Massachusetts

Answer: Vicky, thanks for your question! We hear this question all the time. Many teens find themselves in dating relationships that they truly believe will be "forever" relationships. Statistics tell us a different story, however. The average high school dating relationship tends to be 6 months so you might want to consider whether you want to get invovled in such a serious relationship. Also, remember the many risks that are involved in sexual activity, including STDs and unplanned pregnancy.

Asked by: gyc, boston, mass.

Answer: What a great question! You clearly want to be the best friend that you can. Being there for her is a great start. That might mean going with her to the doctor for a pregnancy test, calling her to check on how she's doing, or writing her a note or card to tell her how important she is to you. Maybe spend a little more time with her so that she has someone around to talk to if she needs to open up to someone. Listening well is a great way to show someone you're there for them. If she hasn't told her mom or another trusted adult about her situation yet, maybe you can help her think of what to say or even sit with her during the conversation. Even if your friend's not pregnant, this is a hard time for her, so anything you can do to help comfort her or make her feel more secure, will help her a lot.

Asked by: ss, lowell

Answer: Hi. Thanks for the great question!Trying to decide the right time to date is an important decision. I don't know if there is a "right" age but there are a number of things that a teen might consider when trying to figure when to begin dating. First, it's always a good idea to check in with parents or other adults in your life to discuss any rules or guidelines they might have around this choice. Another question to ask ones self is "Why do I want to date and what's the purpose of dating?" Many teens feel presssure from the media and their peers to begin dating. It's perfectly normal to want to date but also fine not to begin that type of relationship and to focus on building solid, fun friendships. Alot of times dating as a younger teen can make relationships more complicated and difficult to manange. Again, it's a good idea to invite a trusted adult into the process of figuring this stuff out. Hope this helps!

Asked by: A.J.B,

Answer: Abstinence is a choice that anyone can make at any time. It doesn't matter what a person's sexual preference might be or even if they've chosen to be involved in sexual activity in the past. Most communities agree that when it comes to sexual activity, it's realy the only 100% way of protecting one's self from the risks that are both physical and emotional. Hope that answers your question. Thanks for asking!

Asked by: T C, Lawrence, MA

Answer: Thanks for your question, TC. On this site we talk about how the healthiest choice is to wait until you're in a faithful, lifelong relationship (like marriage) to have sex. Before that, there are risks like STDs, unintended pregnancy, and intense emotions that can make it hard when the relationship ends. There are some laws related to sex with teenagers. In Masssachusetts, sexual touching with someone under the age of 14 is against the law. Sexual intercourse (including oral sex) with someone under the age of 16 is against the law, even if both people agree. Hope this answers your questions!

Asked by: M.A, Everett,Ma

Answer: Rubbing in private areas with your clothes on cannot spread disease, however it's definitely going to make it harder to cool things down and not go further! (like taking your clothes off, which would put you at risk for sexually transmitted diseases). Check out the limits section of our site below for ideas about how to make sure you don't go further than is safe or than you want to.

Asked by: D.F, Lawrence Ma

Answer: Thanks for writing in with your question! It can be hard to figure out how someone feels about you. It sounds like he is a nice guy and that he has treated you pretty well in the past. My advice to you would be to continue to get to know him as a friend and don't try to rush things along. Maybe you can hang out in a bigger group where you're both there- that way your friends will be there to tell you their thoughts and opinions and to make it a bit more comfortable. If he is interested in you as more than a friend, then spending time together in groups will give him the chance to get comfortable enough around you to let you know that. If he just likes you as a friend, though, it's no loss because you haven't risked anything by telling him how you feel. It sounds like he'd be a good friend to have, and friends are great to have at your age (or any age)! You have plenty of time for more of the romantic stuff as you get older.

Asked by: JC, Quincy, MA

Answer: I'm glad you are thinking carefully about your decisions. I don't know a lot about your situation, but it does concern me that you are in a relationship that is hurting other relationships that are important to you. I guess I would challenge you to really consider whether or not this new boyfriend is worth hurting people who have been in your life for a lot longer. Are your friends and family concerned that this new boyfriend is not right for you? If so, maybe you should think carefully about what concerns them and decide whether or not their concerns are legitimate. Please write again if you have more questions or want to share more about your situation and want advice.

Asked by: QT, Mattapan, Ma

Answer: It's so hard to know what to do in these kinds of situations! He may have been joking because he didn't know how to respond, or he may not like you that way and not want to hurt your feelings so he turned it into a joke. Try staying friends with him and just see where it goes. But be prepared- you may have to be patient!

Asked by: D.N.S, Boston, Mass

Answer: I'm glad that you're thinking critically about your relationship, and making sure it's the right thing for you. That's smart! If you're doubting his feelings, think about how else he shows you he cares, besides physical stuff. When you spend time alone together, is it always physical? Does he say nice things to you, talk with you about his life, care when you're going through a hard time, plan fun (non-sexual) things for you to do together, and otherwise treat you well? If not, it might be time for him to go- you can do better! A boyfriend should never make you feel bad about yourself, and it sounds like you might not be totally comfortable with the physical stuff you're doing in your relationship. Remember that you shouldn't let someone pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. If he really cares about you, and not just his "personal pleasure", your guy will respect your feelings and not pressure you.

Asked by: YW, GREENSBORO ALABAMA

Answer: There are different thoughts or beliefs as to whether or not it's okay to engage in sexual activity before marriage. Certainly, there are faiths that encourage their followers to wait until marriage to begin having sex, while there are others that don't hold to that same standard. I recommend that you speak to individuals within your own faith community in order to best be informed about the values that your community has around sex and relationships. Thanks for your question!

Asked by: JL, Boston, MA

Answer: Yes. Sexually transmitted diseases are transmitted either through the exchanging of bodily fluids or through skin-to-skin contact with an infected area. Vaginal sex, oral sex, and anal sex could all put someone at risk for STDs.

Asked by: , palampur.Himachal Pradesh

Answer: Thanks for your honest question. You should know that like yourself, many teens struggle with these same feelings of sadness, confusion about relationships, and lonliness. These feelings may be due, in part, to the whole process of puberty that is probably happening. Puberty, the process of changing from a child into an adult,can be a very difficult time, in that you may be experiencing an enormous amount of change all at once. These changes are both physical and emotional and can impact the way one feels about themeselves and others. My suggestion would be to try and be patient with yourself and your friends as you all move through this time together. You might also want to find a trusted adult with whom you can share. Sometime it's good to have a grown ups perspective because they've been through alot of what you may currently be experiencing.

Asked by: az, lawrence ma

Answer: Thanks for your email. First, let me say that you are a great friend to be showing such concern and doing this research. Your friend may want to begin by calling 1-800-Help, which is a national hotline that connects women with pregnancy crisis agencies in their area. These agencies will often offer free, confidential testing for STDs and pregnanacy. Additionally, many centers will offer free counseling services for those who wish to take advantage of such services. I wish you and your friend the best of luck. Thanks for the question.

Asked by: SG, CHINO CA

Answer: Hi There! You asked about the right age to begin dating. While I don't know that there is an exact age that is the "right" age, you might want to take certain things into consideration before you begin dating. For example, you should ask how your friendships are doing. Being able to communicate, resolve conflict and set boundaries, in friendships, is an indicator that you might be able to step out into the more complex world of dating. You should also ask yourself what the purpose is for deciding to date. Are you feeling pressure because others in your circle are dating? Are you looking to go out for fun or for a new experience? Ask yourself these questions so that you can really determine what you want out of a dating relationship. Remember it's always a good idea to hang out in groups and take time when getting to know someone. Thanks for your question!

Asked by: A.D, lawrence, massachusetts

Answer: It sounds like you don't want to have sex with him, which is certainly the healthiest choice for you physically and emotionally. It can be really hard, though, when one person wants a more physical relationship than the other. Sometimes it feels too hard to work through, and you might decide it's easier or better to break up. If you do decide to stay with him, you need to make sure you are clear about your limits and that you don't let him pressure you into doing something you don't want. Regret never feels good! Check out the information below for some skills to help you resist pressure.

Asked by: L.E.W, Boston Ma

Answer: Oral sex does have risks. While you cannot get pregnant through oral sex, it puts you at risk for sexually transmitted diseases, all of which can be spread through oral sex. Oral sex or any other kind of sexual activity can create a strong emotional bond between people, which can make breaking up especially painful and hard to get over. Also remember that if your boyfriend really likes you, he'll like you regardless of whether you have oral sex with him or not. If he respects you, he'll respect your decision not to do something you're uncomfortable with or that could put you at risk. I had a friend in high school whose boyfriend was always pressuring her to give him oral sex. Afterwards, she often felt used. To this day she regrets doing something that she didn't want to do in the first place. She wished she had someone to talk to, because she didn't know the risks involved. Many girls don't. There are so many more meaningful ways to show your boyfriend that you care about him. For some ideas, you can go to the Great Date page on our website.

Asked by: ABC, lowell, ma

Answer: If neither person has an STD when they get married (and they can only know for sure if they are tested) and they are faithful to each other, then they will not be at risk of getting STDs from each other. Sometimes people also use condoms to prevent pregnancy. In that case, the couple would have to decide if they wanted to have children then, and if not, could choose among many options for avoiding pregnancy.

Asked by: AD, Dorchester Mass

Answer: Well, that depends on what you mean. Sex by itself is not dangerous, and can be a wonderful part of a lifelong relationship with just one person, like marriage. But sex outside that kind of relationship is risky, because one person could infect the other with an STD that they got from a previous relationship (usually without even knowing it!) That would probably count as "dangerous", especially if it's an infection that doesn't go away, or that doesn't get treated and leads to bigger problems like not being able to have children. But remember, you can avoid the risks associated with sex by choosing to wait for sex until you're in a faithful, lifelong relationship!

Asked by: ,

Answer: It is rare, although possible, for someone to contract a sexually transmitted disease through oral sex and then for that STD to be passed on to someone else through kissing. Most STDs actually do not have signs or symptoms, so it does not mean that someone doesn't have an STD just because there is no STD visible. An STD does not need to be visible to be passed on to someone else. If you or someone you are in relationship with has been sexually active, it is important that you/they get tested. There is probably somewhere in your area that provides free, confidential testing. In Boston, you can go to Boston Medical Center. YOU ARE PROBABLY FINE, so don't get too worried. Definitely know your partner though and take your time to get to know someone before becoming physical with them.

Asked by: ia,

Answer: I'm glad you're asking this question! People have lots of different reasons for deciding to wait until they are in a faithful (just between you two), lifelong (forever) relationship like marriage to have sex. The main health reasons are to be protected from sexually transmitted diseases, unplanned pregnancy, and the emotional heartache that can come from having sex with someone outside of a permanent relationship once the relationship ends. Some people also have religious or moral reasons for deciding to wait, or want to stay focused on their life goals and not be distracted by a sexual relationship. Still others feel it will be more special if it's just with one person for life, or want to make sure their mind is clear of memories of past relationships so they aren't thinking about someone else when they're having sex with their spouse. Whatever the reasons, choosing to wait for sex is a healthy decision, and one that people rarely regret!

Asked by: c.c, kenton, Ohio

Answer: It sounds like your boyfriend is teasing you. He may think it's funny, but it seems like it is making you unsure of how he really feels. It also sounds like he may be trying to get a reaction out of you. If your boyfriend is enjoying seeing you upset, you may want to think about whether or not he is someone you want to be with. A healthy relationship is a relationship that builds up and protects the minds, bodies, and emotions of both people involved. If your boyfriend doesn't do that, but instead likes to tear you down, then it might not be a healthy relationship. You deserve someone who is going to be careful with your emotions. If it bothers you that he does this, tell him. If he stops doing it, then it is clear that he does care about you and the relationship. If he doesn't, then maybe you should move on.

Asked by: jsb, ravenswood , wv

Answer: No. There can be some drawbacks to masturbation, though. Every time a guy experiences sexual release (ejaculates), hormones get released in his brain that connect him with whatever he is looking at at the time. Over time, these mini-bonds or connectsions get stronger if allow you to bond with whatever picture is before you. So, every time you masturbate, you're actually training your brain to bond to whatever you're looking at or thinking about at the moment. Over time, this may impact a person's ability to bond with another person. If masturbation is done while viewing pornography, it becomes more difficult to bond with a "real" person when they want to.

Asked by: PL, Taunton, MA

Answer: I'm glad you are thinking now about how to stick with your decision to wait. Some suggestions:

• Choose your friends carefully— friends who support your decision and can help you through relationship choices will be a lot more helpful than friends who might not respect your choices.
• Avoid situations where you might be more likely to compromise your limits, like maybe being alone with your partner late at night or going to parties where people are drinking.
• When you start a new dating relationship, talk to your partner about your intentions and set expectations and limits for your relationship early on.

Asked by: HD, Lynn, MA

Answer: It's never too late! You can always start again and decide to hold off on sex from now on- until you're in that committed relationship with just one person for life. You certainly don't want to keep making more decisions you might regret. Make a promise to yourself to wait- better yet, find a friend and promise together. Then you can help each other make healthy choices. Check out the information below for more ideas and suggestions.

Asked by: GP,

Answer: Maybe because that's what most things around them (TV, movies, advertising, magazines, etc.) are telling them... we live in a very sex-saturated society, and most of the messages are about how everyone is having lots of sex, how to have more if you're not, or how to have it better. There's very little attention given to teenagers (or adults for that matter!) who are making the decision to put off the physical until they're sure they're ready and it's safe- in a faithful, lifelong relationship. Good for you for asking tough questions and being willing to take a stand!

Asked by: j,

Answer: Hitting or even threats of physical violence are never okay. Alcohol and drugs can bring out the worst in people, but they don't bring out things that aren't already there. If your boyfriend has hit you once, unfortunately, he's likely to hit you again. And usually abuse gets worse (more severe), not better. Your boyfriend may be sincerely sorry for what he did, but that doesn't mean it won't happen again. It's very common for people who abuse others to be good at apologizing. He needs to get help, and you need to protect yourself from further harm. If you haven't yet, find a trusted adult you can tell about what happened. And check out the fact sheet below.

Asked by: ch, boston, ma

Answer: There are about as many answers for that question as there are girls in the world. That is to say, it is different for each individual girl. However, some of the most frequent reasons are our of fear of losing their significant other. Another reason may be to positively affect their image in school. Another reason that is also unfortunate is out of fear of being hurt if they don't comply. This is called abuse and is wrong and illegal. If you know of anyone that has been forced into sex, it is very important for you to tell a trusted adult. It is also important for guys and girls, no matter what the reason may be to want to give it, to be firm in the boundaries that we set for ourselves.

Asked by: AM, Hyde Park M.A.

Answer: It sounds to me like you probably have a crush. It's easy to have a crush on someone we find attractive, but don't worry, crushes can come and go and usually become less intense over time. Remember, you want to be with someone who is interested in you in the same way you're interested in them. This guy may not be the guy for you, but that's okay. Enjoy getting to know him as a friend, and leave love for later. There will be plenty of time for love in the future.

Asked by: yv, naples, florida

Answer: I'm glad you wrote. I must say, though, it concerns me that you are seriously considering having sex with your boyfriend even though he doesn't know enough about you to know that you have not had sex before. I'm not sure if you are aware of the risks of sex outside of a faithful lifelong relationship, but I want you to know them so you can make educated decisions about your body. If your boyfriend has been involved in any sort of sexual activity before, having sex with him would put you at risk for getting a sexually transmitted disease. Some of these diseases are incurable and can cause a significant amount of damage or hardship. Most people with an STD don't have any symptoms, so you can't tell by looking at your boyfriend if he's infected. The only way to know for sure is to be tested. There's also the risk of unplanned pregnancy and the emotional impact sex can have on someone. If you don't end up with your boyfriend long-term, having sex with him can make the break-up even more painful. Take your time and get to know him better and allow him to get to know you. Make sure you always feel respected and secure in the relationship and that you're not feeling pressure to have sex. When I had sex for the first time, I was your age. I now regret it. I had sex because I wanted to make HIM happy and because I thought that sex would bring us closer together. It didn't, and we broke up. Two out of three teens who have had sex wish that they had waited. These are all just things for you to keep in mind as your making this important decision. What I want for you is what I want for every young person--healthy relationships and a healthy future. And remember, if he really loves you and is committed to you, he'll wait for you. You're worth waiting for!

Asked by: sh, roxbury, ma

Answer: That's a difficult question. Certainly not everyone loses the respect of others when they have sex— some people even seem to gain respect. This unfortunately often comes down to gender, with girls being called awful names and guys getting smiles of approval. Most people at some level value sex as a special expression of intimacy that is worth saving for a committed relationship. Sharing that early or with more than one person might cause some people to judge the people, especially a girl, involved. One of the consequences of choices we make is that they impact how other people think of us, either for good or for bad. You need to remember that your value as a person is not determined by what other people think or say about you. And if you have been involved in sexual activity in the past, you can always choose to start over, and make different choices the next time around.

Asked by: Anonymous, Lowell,MA

Answer: People show their boy/girlfriends that they care in lots of different ways- some of these are physical, but there are so many other ways! You could tell the person, write them a card or a song, do something special for them like make them brownies, buy them a thoughtful gift, or compliment them. Affection isn't really about "how far" you can or should go, but about what feels right for you at your age and in your relationship, and especially what protects your heart and your body. Remember that any kind of private area contact is sexual activity, and has risks like STDs, heartache and regret.

Asked by: am, dorchester, ma

Answer: It's normal to have sexual feelings at your age- it's part of growing up. There's nothing wrong with having feelings, but it's important you learn how to handle them in a healthy way that protects your heart and body. Sex comes with a lot of risks that could change your life forever, like pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease. You should also know that sex and even sexual touching is against the law at your age. Take your time to get to know the guys you are interested in and don't rush into anything. Most girls who have sex at your age end up wishing that they had waited. You don't want to do something that you might regret later. Enjoy your friends and have fun getting to know them...leave the serious stuff for later, there will be plenty of time for more serious relationships in the future.

Asked by: C.N, Lynn Ma

Answer: There are plenty of ways to show someone you care. You can tell him in words, write about your feelings in a note, help him with something at school, spend time with him, or give him a gift. At your age, especially, the best way to show someone that you care is to be a good friend to them. Focus on being a good friend and give your relationship time.